Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I just wanted to thank everyone for caring about me. It helps and means more than you will ever know.
I'm sorry for my recent posts. I know it must have worried you and I apologize. I hope to be back to myself really soon. With you beside me, I know I can make it.
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 12:48 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I haven't stopped crying all day. I've hurt those I am closest to--again. I'm a terrible, awful person. I don't deserve friends like them. Everyone is worried about me, my friends, my parents, my boyfriend. I'm so selfish for making them worry. It isn't fair or right. I want to leave, just run away, then they won't have to think about me.
This is all too much. I can't take it anymore.
I'm so sorry...
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 1:53 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
|Ups and Downs|
Life is full of ups and downs and recently, I've been feeling them constantly. I don't know how I'll feel from day to day or even minute to minute. As I look ahead to this month, all I feel is anxiety towards the amount of work I have to do. It is my fault for being so behind. I could hardly get out of bed this week, let alone go to class. I wish I was happy again. I'm trying to fix everything. There have been a lot of changes since August with moving out, getting w/ Joe, taking 15 units, etc. I thought I could handle it, be independent, be a grown-up, but maybe I'm just not ready for this. I'm sorry to my friends and to Joe for having to watch me go through this. I came across an old poem I wrote and I wanted to share it:
Trying to hold on to not let go
Hiding the pain I seldom show
You see a smile
But it's a lie
In reality I'm just barely getting by
Going through the motions in a haze
When will I get over this phase
No one is to be blamed
Nothing in particular has made me change
I just feel so lost sometimes
I don't know why
I used to laugh and now I cry
Alone in my room
The feelings resume
Will this razor blade end my doom?
Written: March 16, 2004
It kind of sums up how I'm feeling right now. I hope the next time I write I will have happier things to say.
Lots of Love
Amanda from URL @ 3:27 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
I'm kinda sad at the moment. I'm worried about paying my rent, my grades, and some stuff I don't wanna mention here. I just feel like I'm a terrible person and a failure. If you have any words of encouragement to offer, that'd be great. I'm sorry for being so needy.
Thanks for reading.
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 5:31 PM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
|Lots of Updates|
Well everyone, since I last updated, I saw Hanson (With Joe), and All-American-Rejects (With Jennifer, we won a contest!!) in concert, went to 2 D-Backs games and saw Shawn Green, struggled through my first Ceramics project, celebrated two months with Joe, and had fun with my friends. Here is more about what has gone on with me in the last month.
On September 13, 2005 I got to see Hanson on the Jimmy Kimmel show thanks to my friend, Luis. Luis showed me around LMU, which I thought was a *beautiful* campus. Then I met his friends who were also Hanson fans (woo hoo!!). We got to Hollywood and the El Capitan where Jimmy Kimmel is filmed. We went around to the back where the stage was et up outside and there was Hanson!! They were doing sound check. We all lined up with the rest of the fans and listened to the guys warm up. I thought that was soo cool hehe I saw some Hanson fans whom I'd met at other various events such as the two from the taping of Erik von Detten's show, "Complete Savages", the two from first Roxy Hanson concert and the one from the Avril Lavigne concert. After waiting through the show, which featured Ralph Machio that night, it was time for Hanson to perform. It was a plugged set, meaning it was electric as opposed to accoustic. They *rocked*. Oh, my gosh, they were amazing!! Taylor has a cool new haircut hehe Click here to view their performance of "This Time Around".
The next day, was so special not because of Hanson, but because of Joe. It was my second Hanson concert at the Roxy and I was really looking forward to it. Did I tell you guys that *Joe* is the reason I even went? He had a day off and offered to go with me. Best boyfriend ever!! His car had some trouble going up the steep streets by the Roxy, we got reprimanded by a rude parking attendant ("No parking for Roxy!!"), but other than that it was a very fun afternoon/evening. I met up with 3 girls I had seen the night before at Jimmy Kimmel and they us stand in line with them. If the hadn't, Joe and I would have been down the block. We had yummy pizza from the place on the corner, and everyone kept saying what a good boyfriend Joe was for taking me. I think he liked that hehe So, we talked as we waited, cuddled, saw Jessica Hanson (the 4th Hanson out of 7 Hanson kids), watched the teenybopper fans act silly, and finally it was time to go in. The place was packed as usual, but that was to be expected. The show was great. The guys sang beautifully, but don't they always? hehe Here is the setlist, all accoutstic:
Strong Enough to Break
Where's the Love
Being Me (Isaac's solo)*Tear* hehe
With You in Your Dreams
When You're Gone
Sure About It
Need You Now (Zac's solo)
Crazy Beautiful (Taylor's solo)
Penny and Me
This Time Around
Ain't no Sunshine
Rip it Up
I have never had a boyfriend go with me to a concert before, let alone a *Hanson* concert hehe But Joe did and I think he may have actually had a good time whether he admits it or not. I liked being able to have him there to share the experience with. I just think it was really sweet of him to do something like that for me. After the show, we walked down Sunset. I found out that Coffeebean discontinued my favorite drink (how sad!!), but on a lighter note, we saw the D-Backs win a game. (Woo-hoo!!) So, my dearest Joe, I thank you for spending such a nice evening with me and I hope you had fun. P.S. You better not throw out that ticket stub!! tee hee
October 1 marked two months for me and Joe. As you can tell from the above entry, he's very considerate and thoughtful. I care about him more with each passing day and I look forward to everyday I can spend with him. I can't describe to you the happiness I feel when we're together and how much he means to me. Here's a recent picture that was taken last week at the ND football game:
We are the cutest couple ever LOL
School is going pretty well. Weather is an awesome class. I have a "B-" after one exam. Ceramics is still a challenge, but I no longer dread it. I've accepted that I'm just not going to be good at everything I do, but I'm going to try my best anyway. History is interesting and the professor is really sweet. Greek/Roman Myth. is really cool and I'm enjoying having my Humanities professor again. My Nutrition/Health class is probably my favorite. I love learning about how to live a healthy, active life, esp. since I lost weight. I never want to go back to where I was. Michael, Kyle, Jennifer, and I find time to hang out when we can. Mondays, Michael, Kyle, and I watch a movie (Jennifer has late classes that day) and Sundays we have all been getting together when our schedules permit. ITZ been fun. This past Sunday, we went to Tu Tu Tango to surprise Jennifer for getting selected to have her pieces in the art show, "Fireworks", at CSUN. I'm soo proud of her, we all are.
Jennifer and me at the AAR concert a few weeks ago
I'm in the CSUN library right now. I took a test and got out early. I'm talking to Joe and Michael on AIM. Well, after much time, I've finally updated!! I hope to update more regularly from now on.
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 9:21 PM
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Well everyone, today is the beginning of September, but it isn't an ordinary day. Today marks 1 month for Joe and me and I'm soo happy. When I think back over the past month, I can't help but smile and maybe get a tear or two in my eyes. I've never had a relationship start off this good!! We've grown so close. He's the most amazing, caring, understanding, sweet boyfriend I've ever had. We've had a wonderful time this past month and I look forward to many more months as his girlfriend.
We've been apart this week because I started school again and ITZ been really hard. Tomorrow we'll see each other for our usual Friday night date. I can't wait to see him!!
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 10:37 AM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
|I Thought This Was Cute|
Lots of Love,
Amanda from URL @ 4:50 PM