Ups and Downs
Life is full of ups and downs and recently, I've been feeling them constantly. I don't know how I'll feel from day to day or even minute to minute. As I look ahead to this month, all I feel is anxiety towards the amount of work I have to do. It is my fault for being so behind. I could hardly get out of bed this week, let alone go to class. I wish I was happy again. I'm trying to fix everything. There have been a lot of changes since August with moving out, getting w/ Joe, taking 15 units, etc. I thought I could handle it, be independent, be a grown-up, but maybe I'm just not ready for this. I'm sorry to my friends and to Joe for having to watch me go through this. I came across an old poem I wrote and I wanted to share it:
"Haze"
Trying to hold on to not let go
Hiding the pain I seldom show
You see a smile
But it's a lie
In reality I'm just barely getting by
Going through the motions in a haze
When will I get over this phase
No one is to be blamed
Nothing in particular has made me change
I just feel so lost sometimes
I don't know why
I used to laugh and now I cry
Alone in my room
The feelings resume
Will this razor blade end my doom?
Written: March 16, 2004
It kind of sums up how I'm feeling right now. I hope the next time I write I will have happier things to say.
Lots of Love
Amanda
Amanda from URL @ 3:27 PM
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